Welcome to Mazzy’s fantastical Rebel Alliance crew
A veritable recipe for unpalatable mischief stew
A night remembered, for when ordered tea at the bar in lieu
Bladder burst open laughing upon hearing the bartender’s curfew
For tea, especially, was strictly served before 5pm and no later was due
No concession allowed even as I recited tales of the bogey I blew! ♥
A most insufferable battle was under way in a remote sector of the Alpha Centauri System, one in which we found ourselves hanging on a thread for dear life after the proton torpedo unit of our ship had become massively clogged up with sludgy bombardments of lavender and lime jelly. Things had turned terribly messy, but I think it was when the highly venerated vending machine, famous for dispensing Haribos and packets of popcorn, started to spew out offensive jets of purple sludge that even the most optimistic of us were brought down and took on morbid thoughts. We were as sure as anything that this was to be the abysmal death of the last of the most decorated members of the Alliance!
In all the frenzied madness my voice fidgeted for attention but drowned in the noise, akin to a drip of water overshadowed by the boastful growl of a thunderclap, and no matter how loudly I spoke none of my team members could hear me. It was imperative that I calmed everyone down and I had do it soon otherwise, forget about the enemy striking us down, it would be the deeds of our own misdirection that would be the demise of us!
As if I was detached from the scene and no longer one of the crew, my exasperated eyes now only scanned the faces of my peers with a sort of exhausted apathy, and I quickly shot a glance out of the thick-pane of the window and saw to my bloated dismay the nuclear jelly reactor of the enemy vessel intensifying its concentration of reserves. My guess was that they had lost interest in this game of teaser-style thumping of viscous slimy particles at our ship and were now prepared to wipe us out completely. Cosmic creepers, jeepers sweepers!
My little head surveyed the deck at frantic speed and even at the last tethers of hope my gut was prodding me with handy advice. Alas, I in my sickening state could hear nothing, and I must say with the panic hitting the rooftop there was no chance of anyone hearing anyone else out, even if it were an orchestra of elephants trumpeting out notes on the fullest volume possible its cacophony would not stir the eardrums.
When my head goes fuzzy with umpteen strands of crisis scenarios brewing in them I tend to let out steam in the most diabolical way imaginable. I sneeze! And with it the nasal passages are cleared and swept of their pea-green conglomeration of mucus, or as we Brits like to call it, the bogey! It is of course an act of great service to that part of the body that always seems to receive much less credit than it really ought to deserve. An unflattering filtration and venting system, the nose and its vertical caverns is a marvel of evolutionary invention and the beau to every handkerchief that ever was embroidered!
“We need to make mischief stew!” I muttered to myself and then clicked my fingers and suddenly the pandemonium on the deck did not appear as bad and dire as it was at first. A solution, in the most literal sense of the word, had risen up in my nose and herein was our only chance at defeating that nasty ship over yonder!
As my anxiety inflated so did the pre-sneeze motions, it was growing bigger and bigger and bigger, and like a speeding dart, I jumped into my seat in the middle and stood up and clanged and clashed my sneakers against the control panel that was blatantly malfunctioning as above it many sparks were flickering on and off like a miniature fireworks display.
“LADIES!” No one paid the slightest bit of attention to me since they were too busy racking their sizzled brains and fiddling with their individual panels, still somewhat assured that the right press of a button would release enough of something to weaken the annoyingly tight defences of the enemy vessel. I was about to repeat my addressing the team, “LA – “, when the compressed pressure stored at the top of my nose gave way and I blew HARD!
“ACHOOOOOO!!” A gale force of nasal winds burst out of my nostrils, sending the draping locks of all my beautiful crew members to rise and fly and undulate as one would expect in a glamorous shampoo advert! But, what really caught everyone’s attention was the fact that not only dry winds exuded from these nostrils of mine, for with these fantastic winds came a superior inundation of green snot, some as hard as dried concrete, and others as gooey as semolina soup! I had only sneezed once, however, the contents of my nose decisively chose to divide out and splatter itself on the faces of each member of my crew. No one was spared! I had not bet on this outcome and shrugging my shoulders, breathlessly, sent everyone a sincere and apologetic smirk.
“Sorry…” Silence fell in the room like a slab of stone into a bathtub of water.
No one moved a muscle. Would I be irreparably condemned by my peers for breaching decorum in the most disgustful manner ever possible? I gulped hard and tried to swallow and I do believe, since every ear-nose-throat specialist will avow – that traces of the snot mixture slid down my gullet! It was not nice, and I know that I do not need to say it in order for You to believe it!
Elsie stood up, her eyes not tearing away from my gaze, and my heart sank to see that her pretty fairy wreath on her head was mercilessly doused in my nasal fluids. I pursed my lips and screwed my eyes and wished that somebody could teleport me off this ship.
She raised her hands and then brought them today. CLAP! Oh my lord, she was clapping and then a most angelic smile gleamed off her face!
Emily stood up, and she clapped whilst wiggling her hips!
Gemma leapt off her seat and when she did a fat blob of bogey dripped off from her chin and slobbered down to the floor as if it were a gush spewed out by a waterfall! She began clapping, too!
Agnes pushed her chair back, wiped a wall of crusty snot off her eyelashes and then proceeded to clap before passing a wink at me!
Chiara shook her hair and bubbles of green slime flew all over the control panels in front of her, and then she raised her hands above her head and clapped in slow and emphatic beats. It was not a rock concert but her style of applause would have fooled You into believing that she was at the front row gawping and salivating at the sight of her favourite band!
Charlie thrust her chest forward, hands on her hips and putting on a remarkable Wonder Woman stance, she nodded decisively before bursting into strawberry giggles followed by a round of high frequent claps!
Kayleigh’s red hair had turned green, uniformly coated in my internal bacterial juices, and she flicked a ringlet of her curls with pride and with a reasserted stare clapped triumphantly!
Tasha went berserk! Oh, and yes, she did clap!
“MISCHIEF STEW!” We shouted out loud and made a beeline to the nuclear reactor of our ship, a downward tunnel of metal whose lower echelons glowed in incandescent shimmering reminiscent of the northern lights. Stood all of us around the ring of the reactor tunnel, I pulled out of my pocket a tiny bottle of Amma’s ground black pepper and sumptuously opened the lid. All eyes were on me. My face peeped out a knowing smile which set alight a similar smile in my crew members. Dismissing the need for a countdown and without warning, I shook the bottle and the grainy contents spurted into the air like dust mites and hovering there for a while they came down and we let it stream down into our nasal passages.
Immediately our noses itched! Then they seriously itched! Our eyes flickered and the attacking sneeze reflex began quickly to build up and our tummies trembled, the body not knowing when it would eject the punchy blow.
But it happened and it happened at the same time, an orchestra without the auspices of a conductor, timed in perfection only thanks to the regularity of basic biology!
“ACHOOOOOOOOOOO!” The catastrophic burst of green matter and energy expulsed out of our delicate noses and then shot down the vast cavity of the reactor tunnel, splicing through the fancy lights without any regard as like an outlawed vendetta of bogey fibres whose aim was to steal down that tunnel and cause havoc at the other end. Finally the bogey collected itself at the triangulation sensor that was towed to the end of the ship. An automated gizmo, when the bogey cargo made contact with the sensor board it was immediately jettisoned in the direction of the enemy vessel. A neon green line trailed the vacuum of silent space and we watched from the window, tense and admittedly unsure even to this point as to whether our bogey balls would be potent enough to bring down the machinery of our foul nemesis.
It seemed like forever.
What if they were armed with a counteractive measure?!
We waited and waited, and saw the line of pea-green approach the target closer and closer, and yet not close enough. I needed the loo, the suspense was surely worse than death!
“Come on, come on…!” I think everyone said these words in their own way in those few dreary eternal seconds.
A purple cloud began to accumulate in the centre of the enemy vessel. A retaliating procedure was put into initiation. Would our bogey go to waste after all?
The purple patch grew deeper.
The green line edged closer.
The purple patch brightened up a notch before a hatch opened in its centre. The killer jelly was orientated into position.
I could not take it anymore. I wished to be out there and help push that bogey stream so that it reached its target quicker, for at present it was mimicking the race track records held by the average garden snail! Panic-stricken, I dug my hand into my pocket and pulled out the bottle of ground black pepper and sprinkled the remaining grains into the air and I ate it, I ate the air!
“MAZZY!?” Elsie screamed. Everyone turned to me, open-eyed and grabbed me by the elbow. My eyes flickered rapidly and I began to suck the air through my mouth, haphazardly, while my nose plunged into the infernal itch I had ever encountered.
“Sneeze, Mazzy, SNEEZE!” They were all actively provoking me to let the goods out of the bag!
The exceptional propulsion of the sneeze pushed me back against the wall and the entire ship accelerated forward and as it did the green bogey line in space was thrust magnificently onward before splattering against their ship. In moments the core electronics of the enemy vessel endured a massive energy failure before a cawing shriek of metal resounded, or so we thought, as in space it is common lore that sounds cannot travel through it. Sparks fizzed and small lightning bolts jabbed around the vessel like daggers controlled by invisible hands. I wanted to see what other contortions they would let us the pleasure of witnessing, however, it appeared that the cumulative bogey collections of prime Rebel Alliance fighters was too much bogey for one day and they must have chickened out, for they had vanished, shooting out of range thanks presumably to that little hyperdrive button. It was a most uncouth and vulgar and humiliating way to lose out on an interstellar arm wrestle! Squawk, squawk!
We fell on one another in relief! Laughing at our amazing victory, I acknowledged we had survived the lethality of what could have been our last battle and thanked my crew members from the heart.
“We need to celebrate and give our noses a well-earned break!” Elsie always came up with the most majestic ideas!
I cleared my throat and my eyes playfully hopped from face to face as I slowly made out the words, “Mos Eisley Cantina!”
I sat on the captain’s seat and in my so-solid British accent instructed, “Set course for Mos Eisley and make it at the double!”
When we arrived at Mos Eisely Cantina, bustling from wall to wall with Friday night revellers from all corners of the galaxy, we scooted into the ladies room first and with bog roll wiped away any last traces of nasal gunge and hid away our Rebel Alliance badges before enthusiastically queuing up at the bar. Cool jazz strummed through the cosy interior like honeysuckle dripping of music and we were ready to make a night of it!
What happened next was infinitely more dastardly than fighting any number of nasty anonymous alien enemies in the depths of uncharted space. My lips were unfathomably parched. Yes, I desired a cup of tea! But, oh my goodness, but! Had I known that the supreme beverage of tea was not served at the bar after 5pm I would have most definitely put a bogey-drenched sock in the mouths of those alien baddies a little sooner! Giggle, giggle! ♥♥♥
Photography, Poem & Words: © Masufa Khatun |Mazzy Khatun Photo Stories | Winchester | UK 2016